What am i supposed to do when i cant stop? When i cant stop loving you? When i cant stop caring? When i cant stop worrying? When i cant force myself to move on? What am i supposed to do? Am i supposed to sit here and set myself up for failure time and time again? Why am i wrong for caring so much? I wish, i had someone to care about me as much as i care about you.
Ive grown up as a very strong individual. So everyone else sees that is. They see a person who is not truly there. They see a girl who doesnt cry, a girl who doesnt let anything bother her, a girl walking around without a care in the world. I grew up dealing and coping with different things that i never really let out. I would just sit and brush my problems off like they were never really there. But i was always okay. No matter what happened i knew id be okay because it wasnt the end. Plus ive always thought that showing emotion is a sign of weakness. Which really never has left my mind. but ive grown up. When i was younger it was so much easier to just not care about anything and go on with my life, but now that im actually grown and i have more things to handle it seems so much harder not to cry, not to punch things, not to get angry, and not let others opinions bother me. All i can do anymore is think about everything going on, every single bad thing i think about and how to fix it. I try to fix everything that isnt right and seems broken. Which has come to break me more and more. Ive finally realized that when something is broken its not easily fixed and thats what i am. Im broken. I try to fix everything because i want to be able to be fixed. When in all reality i cant be fixed. ..
Im sick of caring about people im sick of showing them that i care when none of them actually do. So im gonna stick to myself. Im not gonna worry about anything im not gonna have a care in the world.
I sit here day after day thinking of ways i can do better, ways i can actually get by in life. But i never seem to find one good enough. Im a senior. Its supposed to be a good thing right? Im supposed to want to get out of school and be happy to start my life. God do i wish that was true. I know what i wanna do with my life. But i also know that im never gonna make it there. Im never going to make it as big as i wish i could. I wanna be somebody i wanna do something different. I want to make an impact.
Its definitely not. I have so many people in my family and not a single one of them give a fuck.
You know what i hate the most? When people say they understand when in reality they dont at all. When someone says when nobody else is there i am, and when in all reality their not there for you. They make matters worse. Everyone wonders why i dont open up to people and why i dont talk about whats going on with me. But its always been the same exact way. People never understand and they never will. 90% of people dont care about whats going on with you and the other 10% is glad you have those problems. So why should i talk? For someone to make me feel like even more shit about myself? Id rather not. Id rather keep to myself and not being pushed down lower and lower.
Im sick, straight sick and tired of feeling this way.
Your leaving. Everybodys leaving. Im so alone. I lay here and think about everything, Every single day of my life. How hard will it be to carry on without you right next to me with everything i do? How hard is it going to be not sharing my things and opening up to you because you feel the same exact way i do. No matter what happens. i dont care if we fight. fuck it we’ll get over it. isnt that what sisters are supposed to do? What kills me the most is you act like you dont care, you dont give a fuck if im gone, you dont care about anything. that kills me. Ive always believed that theres a reason people are in your life and until i find the reason that persons here i dont let them go, i found the reason with you, we need eachother, no matter what we keep going back to eachother for comfort. You come and stay a couple months. you leave like nothing ever happened. but we always pick up right where we left off. and it scares me because you never left because we were fighting before. You never just said fuck it and packed your shit. it was never planned, it just happened. this times different, and my hearts breaking at the seems, but im going to be okay. Not only for you, but for me this time.